Again

I figured that writing would be the easier way to reorganize my thoughts and at least do something about the lingering pointlessness that lives on.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm in a constant lull, an on-going lack of neurones to connect my thoughts. A complete lack of motivation. I thought that I would have "the life" by now. I thought that I would have it together. That I would have stopped having cereal for dinner.

Everything is the same. The dissatisfaction, disappointment, sadness and inadequacies persist forever. I'm not concerned about physical fitness or confidence or aspirations. I don't foresee a time when I'll be able to travel. I don't have plans past 6 weeks from now. Every single day I'm exhausted. Not all the time. Just at some point. I don't feel like learning that much any more. The interest is there but the effort required is too heavy to deal with. I will never catch up. I run for the bus or the metro. I don't run for fun - I physically can't. 

Would you call this a rut or a forever? Because it feels pointless either way. Rushing forever, never getting on top of files to fill, daily billings to keep track of and other bureaucracy adult things of the sort.

I can't self motivate myself to get out of this rut. I don't understand how to work and live at the same time. I don't understand how to achieve that state where your work doesn't take over your life, where you're eating healthy, exercising, reading, doing hobbies, keeping up with the news, keeping up with friendships all while being "joyful". It sounds impossible and also pointless.

I don't feel like I'm contributing to anything worthwhile.


I don't know what to do.